Narc or Not?

I carry a lot of shame for trusting him. How could I have been so naive? I truly thought this man was my life partner. Intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and even in hobbies we aligned. I was in the most vulnerable spot in my life when I met him. I openly shared I don't want to be saved, I want to be in a nurturing and loving relationship. I was willing to put in the work. He mirrored my vulnerability. He promised love and partnership. It felt real. It felt like love. I chose to trust him with every cell in my body. Now that I know, I'm working on forgiving myself. I am allowing space for compassion and patience for healing.

After I began researching narcissism, I found these 7 Red Flags that could be easily justified, rationalized, and easily can feel like love. Not to say everyone should be questioned, however, in my narcissist experience, he checked all 7 flags very quickly. My ignorance and natural empathic gifts used optimism and loyalty to justify any heightened nervous system response I would have to his gestures. I thought I could help him heal his trust issues. I overworked for love. I performed and then diluted myself to his demands. It didn't matter my nervous system didn't feel safe, I was determined to help him feel safe. I've since learned, that is the endless cycle between an empath and a narcissist.

1. Narcissists will offer unsolicited feedback about how you can better yourself.

At the time it felt innocent. He claimed he coached employees. He positioned himself as the successful underdog and then most importantly, above everyone. It was a way for him to gain and then test control over me.

2. Narcissists will shower you with grandiose compliments, gifts, and praise.

He repeatedly told me I was a power player. I didn't even truly understand that phrase. He was going to walk me across the stages. "What stages?", I asked. He could never name them. He told everyone how perfect I was, ad nauseam. Cars. Jewelry. Clothes. His grandiosity knew no limits. I expressed that the rate at which he spent money makes me nervous to which he responded "my company is gold".

3. Narcissists seemingly express genuine love and interest in your well-being and it actually has undercurrents of toxicity.

He would accompany me to every pedicure, facial and self-care routine. At the time it seemed innocent. Then he followed me to a massage. I noticed him parking as I was climbing the steps up to the appointment. I came back down to ask if he needed anything. He was shocked and already in my car. Then he was agitated I found him. He said he was checking to see if he left his credit card in my car. After the appointment, I found that he planted his "marketing phone" hidden in my glove box. He was tracking my every move.

4. Narcissists are jealous and possessive.

He wanted to be everywhere with me. He wanted to discuss every past relationship, he wanted to know every social media connection, and he wanted to go through my phone. I had nothing to hide. I was happy to share. Logically, once you find nothing, that would be it. Narcissists are illogical. He continued his insecure and paranoid quest to spin any detail into chaos and project his own affair.

5. Narcissists will check in constantly because they lack object consistency.

When I say constantly, I mean all the time. Texting turned into the following, turned into tracking, turned into cameras. If he wasn't physically with me, to him it meant I was being provocative, unfaithful, and seeking outside the relationship. I went to work with my friend at an outdoor market on Sunday afternoon for 4 hours. He knew her. He drove 1 hour to the market and lingered behind the booth. When we noticed him, he shifted into he needed pepperoni and thought this market would have some. He followed me. I was not able to leave and work without him watching me.

6. Narcissists are eager to combine finances very early in the relationship.

When I say early, he was ready to "invest" in my business by the 2nd week we knew each other. He started identifying and paying for business expenses as a show of grandiosity. He spent faster than I could pay him back. He asked me to help him clean up his bank account and his debt collectors.

7. Narcissists insist on spending as much one-on-one time with you as possible.

I would always invite his kids to every place we went. He seemingly didn't care or want the inconvenience. He showered me with compliments. I was fun to be around and he wanted me by his side every day. Separate schedules were out of the question. If I went, he went.